Anonymous Sai Devotee sharing this experience with fellow devotees.
1. Writing this entry today
I had been reading wonderful
entries posted by fellow Sai devotees here for a
few days, and have been wanting to write about
my experiences. But I have often felt hesitant
and inadequate to write anything, feeling that I
would never be able to express Baba's grace in
my life properly. Today morning, being a
Thursday and also a very important day for me
for other reasons, while praying to Baba I
decided that I would post an entry here today.
But now, at night 1:15AM, I was about to sleep,
having forgotten about it /not feeling confident
enough. But suddenly, a burning sensation began
in my palm. It slowly increased , until I could
not lie down or sleep. It felt like my right
palm was burning. I got very worried and
wondered why this was happening, and suddenly
remembered my promise to write an entry today. I
got up from bed and have now started writing
this. Indeed, this itself is Sai's Grace that He
has corrected another lapse of mine, and is
enabling me to Praise him in my flawed words.
2. Getting Sai's Photo
I did not know anything about Sai
Baba until college started. In First year of
college, my mother took me to a nearby temple
(she also was not a Sai devotee). First time
after seeing Baba's life-size idol there, I just
prayed like to any other God (without much
devotion). Whenever anyone had asked me who my
favourite God was, I would always say "I dont
really have one...I just pray just like that".
But slowly, during first year of college, I
found myself visiting Sai temple often, and used
to just sit there and stare at Sai idol for long
minutes, wondering why it seemed like Baba's
eyes were so kind and as though they were
talking to me. Soon, whenever someone asked, I
found myself telling them "Sai Baba is my
favourite God. I am Sai's daughter". I never
read Sai leelas or knew about Sai Satcharitra or
Sai bhajans. But Baba's grace still pulled
undeserving me to Him. When I went to India for
summer vacation after finishing first year of
college, I went to a distant relative's house
(which I was arguing with my mom that I did not
want to go). In their house, my mom and aunts
were talking, and I was bored and wandering here
and there, and I happened to stop in their Pooja
room. There, in front of me, was a BEAUTIFUL Sai
Photo. I stood mesmerized, lost in Sai's eyes,
as I felt "How lucky they are to have Sai in
their Pooja room!". The uncle in the house asked
me "why are you staring at Sai? Are you Sai
Devotee?" I said "I love Sai Baba". Soon, we
said bye and left the house.
A few days later, MOST
unexpectedly, these VERY distant relatives and I
met again in a marraige, and MORE shockingly,
the uncle had with him a big wrapped package and
said it was for me and left it with my mom. On
finding and opening it, I saw none other than
our Beautiful Kind Sai Baba blessing me through
a big photo that I can now hang on my pooja room
in my house in US.
I cannot tell the warmt and love
and gratitude that came in my heart for Sai.
Without me even asking or thinking of where to
buy, Sai blessed me not just from His temple ,
but also decided to Grace our Home and let me
pray him everyday from there. Oh Sai! Your grace
and Mercy know no bound!
3. Sai in my dreams
I read some devotees' experience
where Sai seems abuldant in every aspect of
their life. Seeing Sai in agnis, seeing Sai
vibudhi in photo, seeing Sai in Shirdi....none
of these have ever happened to me. I must be
such a sinner that having lived in India for the
first 15 years of my life, I have never had even
one chance to go to Shirdi. Yet Sai always lets
me know that He is there, in some way or the
other. Only once or twice has Sai ever come in
my dreams . I remember one time very clearly. I
am a devotee of Shirdi Sai only, and had almost
no thuoghts about Puttapurthi Sai Baba. But a
lot of my very close relatives had come in
direct contact with Him, and had their lives
changed by Puttaparthi Baba, and told me of
these incidents. I respected and bowed to
Putttaparthi Baba, but always prayed to Shirdi
Sai only. In that form of Baba only, I, the
un-elevated creature, could love Baba. However,
one night, Puttaparthi Sai Baba came in my
dreams.
|
|
He sat in front of me, and I found myself suddenly transported to a state of pure bliss. To this day, I feel, what wouldn't I do to expreience that for just 1 more minute! I felt as though I was floating, as though I was bliss itself. I bowed down to Puttaparthi Sai, joy and bliss overcoming my very being. As I looked up and gazed at Sai, thinking, "Oh Baba! Wont you give me grace in the Form that so Love and Worship!?" he suddenly transformed into Shirdi Sai, and even now, tears come into my eyes thinking of Sai. That was the one vision that Sai Gave me that I still remember clearly, Baba's Infinite Grace and Mercy that he showed on unworthy me. In my dreams, my ecstacy reached unspeakable heights as I got darshan of Shirdi Sai, and he told me to do Abhishek for Him. When I woke up in the morning, I told my mom about Abhishekam for Sai Baba. This happened in Chennai. We did Baba Abhishekam in Shrdi Sai temple in Mylapore, where, heartwarmingly, after the Abhishek, they gave a silver coin with Sai Baba drawing engraved in that, that I wear to this day, All due to His Grace.
4. Baba in times of trouble
A couple of years ago, my family
was in dire financial trouble. I will not go
into details, but the burden bore by my parents
could not be seen by me. I was in pain, feeling
helpless that I could not help them, and feeling
pained that my semester fees due in a couple of
weeks, only added to their worries that they
never expressed to me. After doing Sai Vrat for
a few weeks, I was at the lowest point of
discouragement and hopelessness, and visited Sai
temple that day. I was just staring into Baba's
eyes, asking Him why He wasnt helping me? Isn't
Baba my Father? Won't he take care of me?
I had my parttime job after that,
so I left for my workplace after visiting the
temple. As I was stepping into the office, I
almost had tears at my eyes, about the situation
and about Baba's refusal to help me. Just as I
entered the office, I heard one of the ladies
telling another loudly "My parents in Kerala
visit this Swamiji there regularly, who they
believe in a LOT. That Swamiji is mostly always
quiet in deep meditation but never ever talks.
TOday, when they were visiting him, suddenly he
opened his eyes, looked directly at them and
told them "Sai Baba always told his devotees to
have faith and patience". My parents were
stunned and did not know what to make of this,
as neither were they Sai Baba devotees, and
neither has this Swamiji spoken like this
before.". I heard this exactly as I was
entering the office, and tears came to my eyes,
as I realized Baba's wonder. Baba had spoken to
me, to console me, to strengthen me, through a
Swamiji I dont even know, through the parents of
a co worker I never talk to. Even thinking about
this today, I am moved to the depths. What did I
do to deserve this kindness from Baba? I dont
know, and Im sure the answer is nothing. Baba's
unconditional love for his devotees is our
Blessing. His ways are miraculous, and
mysterious- but in whatever way He chooses, He
will Grace his Devotee through in tough times.
A final thought:
There have been times when I have
gone to Shirdi Sai temple and cried my heart out
in front of Baba (strangely, the temple was
empty at these times). There have been times
when I was too sick to move from my bed and
cried and begged to Baba from my bed. Being a
Sai Devotee does not mean one is absolved from
suffering any of life's problems. I have taken
several resolutions to do Sai Vrat;s and broken
most of them (as I was not able to fast). Yet
Sai Baba does not punish me. In his subtle ways,
he shows me the Path everytime I go wrong. And I
go wrong in every action I do. I am a flawed
human being, as most of us are, but Sai loves
us. if we make one step towards him, he will
make 10 towards us. It is my humble word to
fellow devotees: if you are in tough times,
never doubt Baba's presence in your life. ABove
i listed just 4 small incidents, but there are
several in which I felt Baba never heard me, I
cried, broke in agony, felt deserted by Baba.
Just 20, I have seen some terrible struggles in
life that had me doubting everything. But today,
though not everything is OK , I can see that
Baba was there, Baba is there, Baba always will
be there. If something does not happen in spite
of your prayers, it is Baba's decision. He is
saving you from a trouble you aren't able to
see. If something good happens, that is also
Baba's grace. There IS no bad that can happen to
us, as even what we consider bad is another form
of Baba's love for us--we just do not understand
it enough.
I hope Baba forgives me for any
mistakes that I might have made in something I
said. All love and pranams to Sai Baba- my
Father, my Guru.
